Thə Tootər

Yoor lúrning ay láng gwij fawrmd owt ov ri béllyən
Spṓkən in spīt ov Náwrməns

Mōst ov it is French

Yoor lúrning thə wurds ov slayv ṓnərs
Swét shop spṓksmen
Áartists, “di zinərs”
Leedərs, tirənts and non-vṓtərs

Nō law is fin'l

Thə wurds ov Wil
(William Shakespeare. notable poet/ playwright in England. 1564-1616)
But áwlssō Jawrj
(George Bush. President of the USA. Noted for his bad pronunciation. 1944-)
Ay láng gwij kwik lee di sending intoo ákrə nìm
Ik spánd ing intoo
Yoofə mìzzəm

It wil chaynj in ay yeer awr too

Theez wurds Ī wil pass on too yoo
But bi fáwr Ī tel yoo them
Prə nównssing wot is sə pṓz too be
Ay tíkit intoo mī wurld
Hélping yoo fīnd thə díffrənss bi tween L and R
(yoo névvər wil)
I wont id too tel yoo thə truth:
Íng glish is just wun big ín sid jōk yoo wil névvər get.

The Tutor

You’re learning a language formed out of rebellion
Spoken in spite of Normans

Much of it is French

You’re learning the words of slave owners
Sweat shop spokesmen
Artists, “designers”
Leaders, tyrants and non-voters

No law is final

The words of Will
But also George
A language quickly descending into acronym
Expanding
Into euphemism

The terms will change in a year or two

These words I will pass on to you
But before I tell you them
Pronouncing what is supposed to be
A ticket into my world
Helping you find the difference between L and R
(you never will)
I wanted to tell you the truth:
English is just one big inside joke you will never get.